Affection Too Hard to Convey
by justareader13
Summary: Sam's only ever been in love with three people in his entire life. Keywords in love with, not in relationships with because he is stupid and he knows it.


**Characters:** Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Bucky Barnes, Thor Odinson, Clint Barton, Wanda Maximoff  & Scott Lang

 **Pairing(s):** Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, past relationships & background relationships

 **AN:** This is CACW compliant but kinda just goes through the whole of the MCU from when Sam is introduced. There is some mention of Staron in this but NO Sharon-bashing, because it is possible to not ship Staron and also not bash Sharon as a character.

This is very Sam-centric and something of a character study, so enjoy.

* * *

Sam is a creature of habit. He knows that very innately about himself. He likes to eat at certain times in the day, likes specific clothing for specific days, likes his possessions in a certain order. Habitual behavior has its pros but it definitely has its cons and his love life feels that keenly. He's only ever been in love with three people in his entire life. Keywords: in love with, not in relationships with because he is stupid and he knows it.

First there was Leila. He had known her the entire first half of his life up until the age of 19 and he had loved her for at least half of that time but he never said a damn thing. Not when he was comforting her after shitty boyfriends, not when he ended up being her date to prom after that idiot Tyreese Greene stood her up, not after she had become his first sexual encounter, no he pushed it all away and stared at her from a distance as she shined and drew people in with her natural beauty and light. It wasn't until he was 19 and had signed up for the army while Leila got a full ride to Princeton that he finally fessed up because if he was going to go into an active war zone, he was finally going to say something. It was too late by then, she had a boyfriend who she loved and if Sam was two years earlier maybe things would be different but he wasn't, he stalled, he was too afraid and so he lost her and slowly but surely he made himself let go of years worth of love.

War helped with that a little.

Riley helped with that a lot.

He didn't know exactly when he fell for him, it just sort of happened somewhere between the hot days and cold nights, between the explosions and jumping out of helicopters, between getting the wings and flying with Riley by his side, between nights spent talking to each other and days spent right by each other's side, somewhere between casual hook ups to relieve the stress of their environment and holding each other together when things got to be too much, somewhere in all of that Sam fell and it shouldn't have surprised him but it completely blindsided him. Suddenly every conversation with Riley was edged with tension. Everyday he felt the words just on the edge of his tongue fighting to come out.

Riley would smile and Sam would think I love you.

Riley would laugh and Sam would think I love you.

Riley would look at him and call him his best friend and Sam would think I love you.

Riley would come to him sometimes with heavy eyes pleading for comfort only Sam could give and he would mournfully think I love you even as he knew he was tearing himself apart inside to put Riley back together.

It never got easier and he felt like a coward, he knew that was what he was being by not saying anything, but this was a war zone, they would only be there so long and once they were out of the army and the closet, what then? There's no unringing that bell. If not for this war he and Riley would never have even met. Sam was from Harlem and Riley was from Kentucky. Sam joined the army despite multiple college acceptances because he felt the call to help defend his country following 9/11, Riley was in the army because he didn't have the grades for college and didn't want to join the family business. Sam was an optimist, Riley was a pessimist. Sam was open and easily confided in those he trusted while Riley was passive-aggressive and waited for himself to be balancing on a tightrope with an elephant on his back before he ever sought out help or comfort from Sam. And usually it was only Sam, Riley was friendly to everyone but stuck by Sam's side and that made the whole 'being-in-love-with-your-best-friend' thing so much worse. There was only so much space between the two of them. Add that to the fact that if they were ever caught doing anything with each other Sam didn't want to think about the consequences, not that Riley would ask him for anything beyond fast and hard and not that Sam would tell him how he felt.

It all became a moot point when Riley died. The worst part was Riley didn't die immediately. He spent two weeks after the fall writhing in pain from the fall itself as well as the ensuing surgeries and most of the time he was so out of it he didn't do much other than cry and scream. Even when they sedated him, he still convulsed and tears still came down his cheeks, but there was a moment of perfect clarity a week after he took the hit when he looks at Sam with eyes that have clear recognition and so much pain in them and just says it. He reaches out to him and Sam knew Riley was in unimaginable pain from just that simple move. He leaned in towards him to make it easier for him and then exhaled harshly when he brushed his hand over his cheek and lips.

"I love you, you idiot." His voice was clear and there was no mistaking what he had said, especially not with how sharply the nurse had looked at him. Riley was knocked out ten seconds later and Sam was shocked. He never said it back to him, he didn't get the chance because Riley never woke up again and a week later he was gone. That had been a mountain and a half for his therapist, it still was some days, yet apparently not enough for Sam to learn his lesson.

Sam used to read about Captain America in his US History textbook, he did a report on the Howling Commandos in 7th grade, he read comics books about them, he's pretty sure he might have worn a Captain America costume for Halloween one year. Steve Rogers is supposed to be some far-off entity on a splash page, some being whose life he could observe through a museum exhibit with cold detachment. He'd learn the overall synopsis of his life but would know nothing about the way his mind worked, he wouldn't know about the little crease between his forehead when he concentrated or the cute little shrug/sigh/head shake hybrid thing he did or that he could go from smooth talking asshole to befuddled schoolboy in 10 seconds flat. He would go his whole life never knowing any of that and that would be fine. Dude was a superhero and though Sam was somewhat itching to be back in the fight when he slapped his resume down on his coffee table and offered Captain America his help, he did not think he would be here again, in love with his best friend again. Not saying shit about it again. Letting himself be drawn in physically when he knew it was only going to destroy him emotionally again. Sam was weak, he gave in way too easily.

 _'The worst kind of pain is the pain we inflict on ourselves. It might not feel as hurtful at the time but it'll do the most damage.'_ His father would say. Sam had to agree.

* * *

Sam and Steve were in Russia, probably their fifth visit there on their mission, and Sam was still not used to the climate but even the weather couldn't match the frigid nature of Steve's soul. They had hit yet another dead end in the search for Bucky and it didn't help that Steve had received a call from Agent Carter's son telling him that Peggy was going through a bad bout of pneumonia and that this might be it if she didn't get better. Sam didn't know what to do, what to say, if he even could say anything that would help. So much of Steve was wrapped up in his past and Sam couldn't blame him for that, there was over 70 years worth of history there Steve had to sift through and deal with. It was a process, not a one-and-done kind of thing. Besides, Sam could relate because there was a lot of him wrapped up in his past too. Sometimes he looked at Steve and saw Riley and that wasn't fair of him at all but he couldn't help but feel like Steve and Bucky were his second chance, he could make up for how things went with Riley through them. Even though Steve and Bucky's relationship was not like his and Riley's was romantically, they were a nice little foil to them, or so he thought.

Really it was Russia that fifth time when he realized how wrong he was.

"You need to sleep." Sam said to him as Steve alternated between staring at the wall, staring at his phone and pacing their motel room.

"I can't. Natasha said she'd text me with a lead when she got one and Peggy's son might text or call me about her."

"Okay, you can sleep and still get those messages."

"I can go without sleep for nearly a week with minimal side effects."

"That's not the point man." Sam sighed as he approached Steve's tense form. He placed his hands carefully on his shoulders and shook him a little.

"You're going to run yourself into the ground and don't deny it. I could tell you were the type after you visited the VA, I could see it in your eyes. That's why I'm here, to make sure you don't do that."

"But why?" Steve asked a little desperately.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you care? You barely knew me before you decided to throw away everything and run off with me to find a man you don't know who tried to kill you. Why? I don't... I don't... I'm just so..." Steve cut himself off with a groan of frustration. Sam could see his eyes were red and he was clearly irritated with himself.

"Maybe it just started out as me understanding what you're going through one soldier to another and when I had the chance to get back in the field, to serve, I wasn't going to pass that up, not when I knew I could help. But later when you told me about Bucky, I couldn't help but think about Riley and what I would do in your position. I would do the same thing to save my friend and I know that, or I would hope that, you would be there for me on this mission."

"You know I would Sam. If our positions were reversed I would do anything I could for you." Sam looked up to Steve's sincere eyes, the intense look on his face, the truth in his gaze and Sam couldn't help but pull the larger man in for a hug. Steve remained tense in his arms, closing himself off from the comfort Sam wished to offer.

"You're my best friend, man." Sam whispered into his ear. Steve pulled back then and looked at Sam with a gaze that looked like a strange mixture between heartbroken and fond. Steve scoffed and opened his mouth as if to say something before he looked down.

"Steve, what-?" Sam was abruptly cut off when Steve leaned in and kissed him roughly, Sam stiffened with surprise as Steve kissed him with more and more insistence. Part of Sam told him to push Steve away because he was too emotional for this right now but another part, the part that was familiar with this, told him to become pliant. He was a being of comfort, he offered it anyway he could, sometimes that was physically but he hadn't done that in a long time. He hadn't given so much of himself away without accepting anything in return since Riley except he couldn't exactly say that that's what this thing with Steve would be because sometimes Sam looked at Steve and saw _Riley_ and he hoped without even fully knowing what it was he hoped for.

He was thinking about Riley when he kissed Steve back. He wasn't thinking about anything except Steve two minutes later, certainly not as he stared at Steve's relaxed sleeping form through the night. Sam's gaze swept over Steve's body, roamed up from where the thin sheets were draped over his waist all the way to his blank face, his mind miles away from his troubles hopefully. Sam felt something he hadn't felt in a while stutter in his chest, except it wasn't that he hadn't felt it while he was with Steve doing far more innocent things so much as it was he was unwilling to let himself think about what it was. He had felt it with Leila in the little interactions, the day-to-day living, especially in times where they weren't doing anything more than just being in each other's presence in a quiet moment. He had far more quiet moments with Leila and Steve than with Riley but he should've deciphered the root taking hold in his heart the second the seed was planted and yet somehow, despite his history, he hadn't gleaned it beforehand. What the hell was he supposed to do with this? What was being in love with Steve going to accomplish? They had missions to complete and Steve was a mess of a man who was unavailable emotionally even if that might not hold true physically. Sam wasn't going to put himself in a situation like that. Maybe he did love Steve but he also couldn't just throw himself headlong into something that could blow up in his face.

 _If that's true, why are you in bed with him?_ A voice whispered in his head.

He spent much of the night deliberating what the hell to do but in the morning when he saw the bewildered, confused, frightened expression on Steve's face as he woke up to see Sam naked beside him he already knew how this was going to go.

He had previously thought Steve and Bucky were a nice little foil to him and Riley, and sure there were similarities there, but Sam had also sometimes looked at Steve and saw Riley and it wasn't until that night that he realized it was because Steve was shaping up to literally become his Riley all over again.

Sam was probably going to allow it.

Sam was an idiot.

* * *

Thing is even if he is an idiot, he's not idiot enough to sleep with Steve again after Russia, he learned his lesson from that with Riley and Leila, a lesson apparently not learned quick enough to save him the grief with Riley but a lesson learned nonetheless.

The more he thinks about it the more he is convinced the universe has to be out to get him. Why else would he fall in love with Steve Rogers, and at a time like this no less? Sam was supposed to be okay and past this thing he did where he fell for someone and gave them too much and then wouldn't accept anything back, even when they tried to give him his fair share.

He did it with Leila. He was her best friend, her confidant, her shoulder to cry on, her pep talk when she needed it, her cheerleader. He would effortlessly mold himself into being what she needed, and when she tried to do the same he rarely let it sink in. With Riley he was his ear, his backbone, his wings when he needed it, his eyes, his emotional pack mule at times and it was all by choice. If Riley probed or pushed him or tried to take some of Sam's baggage, Sam pushed his stuff to the side and focused all his attentions on Riley. He was in love with them and he couldn't be with them due to his own stupidity and fear so he made himself be all they needed, he made sure they were okay, that was all he wanted.

 _'That was all you allowed yourself'_ his therapist had said.

They had done hard, solid work on his self esteem and the way he reacted to love and his need to comfort people, his need to hold them together and the way that need got dialed up to 11 whenever he was in love, so much so that he neglected himself. His moments with Leila and Riley were among the best and worst moments of his life because he was with them and because he wasn't with them. He could see the disaster Steve would be in his life coming a mile away. Sam's comfort meter read off the charts when it came to him and falling in love with him... Sam could see himself throwing away years worth of therapy, molding himself to be whatever Steve needed, neglecting himself all for love and he knew he couldn't do that, he couldn't be that. He was past that. Maybe if he was stronger, maybe if Steve was whole, maybe if they just did a little more work on themselves, maybe then Sam would go to him and tell him how he felt and let the chips fall where they may but for now he was not going to jump on this train wreck and let himself end up splattered across the tracks.

He and Steve don't mention Russia again and instead he watches Steve redouble his efforts into finding Bucky. He does his best to balance him, he takes Steve out of the field completely sometimes, guilting him into joining Sam for a visit to his mother's place or telling him to go see Peggy or pushing him to hang out with Natasha when she's around. Whenever they're in DC and Steve's gone to visit Peggy, Sam usually spends his time checking in on his neighbors, his vets and his house and making sure his affairs are still in order. The first two times he's back he contemplates going to visit his therapist but ultimately doesn't talk to him about what he really wants to talk to him about. It isn't until he sees Steve arrive back to his house with a blonde who Sam doesn't know that he makes that effort.

Sam hadn't been watching out for Steve to return of course, he had just been looking out the window. He could see a couple of stars from his house, it wasn't much compared to some of the views he'd seen on this mission but it was still something. He perked up when he heard a car approaching before it stopped in front of Sam's house. Steve stepped out of the passenger side leaving Sam slightly bewildered. Hadn't he driven his motorcycle to Peggy? Soon after a blonde woman stepped out of the driver's side and popped the trunk, allowing Steve to remove his motorcycle. They stood by the trunk talking to each other and laughing. Whatever she said made Steve blush and duck his head, drawing a laugh from the woman.

No, that was not jealousy Sam was feeling. He had no right to jealousy. Steve was not his boyfriend and that had been Sam's choice, finally it was his choice and he made it for the right reasons, not for cowardice.

 _Are you sure about that?_ A voice said doubtfully in his head.

 _Yes, I'm sure about that. As sure about that as I am that I'm arguing with myself right now._

Sam watched the woman lean in and give Steve a kiss on the cheek before closing the trunk and getting into her car then driving off. Steve stood there a moment before he started making his way to put his motorcycle in the garage. Sam took the time to make himself look normal and like he had been watching TV and not watching Steve through the window like a creeper.

"Hey, you didn't need to stay up and wait for me." Steve said upon entering.

"What? It's 11 o'clock, who says I was waiting up for you? All the good late night shows are on now." Steve looked at him doubtfully but didn't say anything else as he removed his leather jacket.

"So how's Peggy?"

"Good, yeah, good. Well, I mean, as good as good is for her. She's still in and out of it but she's happy, so I'm happy." Something in Steve's tone made Sam turn to face him with an intent look.

"Okay, that sounds fake." Sam said, getting straight to the point.

"Don't try to shrink me right now, I'm tired." Steve said, walking to the kitchen. Sam's eyes followed him before he got up and went after him.

"I'm not trying to shrink you, I'm asking as a concerned friend: what's going on with you?" Steve looked up at him and he had that half heartbroken, half fond look again that Sam couldn't figure out.

"I just... Peggy said some things to me."

"Like?"

"She thinks I'm stuck in the past, she thinks I need to move on. She says that she understands why I'm going after Bucky and doesn't think I shouldn't but that I should also be looking towards my future, what makes me happy. You know, you and her are the only people who have ever asked me what makes me happy."

"You got an answer yet?" Steve smiled brokenly at him.

"I've got an idea. It's not so fleshed out yet though." Sam thought of the blonde woman Steve had arrived with. He had been faced with many a boyfriend with Leila, most of them were pretty shitty but that last guy had been great honestly and even though Sam confessed his feelings to her he understood falling for a guy like that. That wasn't an issue he faced with Riley but with Steve...

 _Why is this an issue? You already decided you didn't want to involve your feelings in his mess, you said you're too weak._

"Well, like you said, I'm happy if you're happy." But then that was Sam's problem, he took that way too far. He wasn't going to do it again. He couldn't do it again.

So he finds himself in his therapist's office the next day. Clarence is doing some paper work and looks up at Sam with a smile when he comes.

"Hey Sam, you're not skulking around to get your job back, right? Because we replaced you already." The other man joked. Sam laughed a little nervously.

"Nope, not here for that. I just need to talk to you, like seriously talk to you." Clarence's face cleared of humor and he gestured to the seat in front of him. Once Sam sat down and Clarence looked at him questioningly, everything spilled out like a flood of verbal vomit.

"So I did the thing again, the thing where I fall in love with my best friend and you'd think I would've learned by now but no, of course not, that'd be too easy so instead I'm here, in the same place you pulled me out of, because I'm an idiot. I mean, how stupid could I be to fall for this guy of all people? He's totally unavailable, he's got way too much shit to deal with and if I get with him I'll end up being his therapist, not his boyfriend. I mean I had sex with him once for goodness sake, like I don't know that continuing that is just going to make everything much worse. Then I saw him with a girl and I got jealous even though I know I can't be with him right now and I-"

"Sam." Clarence said cutting through his rant.

"Breathe." Sam took a deep breath, centering himself as he looked at Clarence who was taking in all he had said.

"Well first off I appreciate that you're coming to see me to talk about this and not dwelling on it on your own." Sam didn't mention how long he had known he loved Steve and did nothing about it.

"Secondly, you're not an idiot and you're not stupid for falling in love. All those weeks we spent together I wasn't trying to teach you that falling in love was wrong. Of course you're going to fall in love and I want you to. I was teaching you parameters for healthy relationships, balanced relationships, relationships where loving and appreciating yourself is just as important as loving someone else. We're humans, love comes with the territory. You fell for your best friend again but just like Leila and Riley were different, I'm sure this is too, mostly because, and this is my last point, you're a different person now. You need to give yourself some credit here. You didn't jump into a relationship with him, you understand enough about yourself and your situation to know what is and isn't healthy for you and at what times, Sam. That's good. That's the goal we were working towards in our therapy. The finish line for people doesn't look the same across the board and even if you can't see it right now, I can see your personal growth in the fact that you cut off the sexual contact after the first time, and you recognized the dangers of jumping into a relationship where you're both not ready. Don't be so hard on yourself, you should be proud of yourself for making it this far."

"I guess I haven't looked at it that way."

"I'm glad that you understand enough about yourself to know the forest for the trees. Maybe when your friend has worked on himself, a relationship is a possibility you can reanalyze, but for now don't kick yourself for doing what's right for you." Sam nodded his head. Maybe he was being too hard on himself, maybe he was actually doing better than he thought he was. There was still some things he needed to get through though. Everything with Steve and Bucky was making Riley weigh on him more, even though he thought he had dealt with that, but it would always be a thing.

"You don't mind if I come visit you again tomorrow, do you?"

"I'd be happy to talk to you again. I like you so much I'll even pencil you in for free." Sam rolled his eyes but reciprocated Clarence's smile when he flashed it his way.

* * *

Despite how many issues and feelings left unsaid there were between he and Steve, things were not all bad or painful, if it was Sam wouldn't have fallen in the first place. Through his talks with Clarence over the past week that he and Steve were taking a break from their mission Sam brought up a lot of problems he had been having and Clarence offered clarity that he would not otherwise have had had he stayed silent. He made suggestions and told him words of wisdom Sam needed to hear from an outside source, not least of all being that maybe it would be in his best interest to take a break.

"I am taking a break. Steve and I have been off the road for nearly a week."

"I don't just mean a week. This is a good physical break for you but taking a little more time for a mental and emotional health break wouldn't be the worst thing in the world so you can ground yourself more than you already are. You have a firm foundation even if you think it's weaker than it actually is, you just need to keep building on that. It's always going to be an ongoing process, you never truly stop growing."

"I know that but Steve-"

"Uh-uh, who comes first?"

"...I come first."

"I'm your therapist, not Steve's. Furthermore, I'm your friend so my first concern here is you not him. I want to be sure that you don't revert to your old ways the second that you're back on the road."

"You're right, I... maybe I do need a little more time."

So Sam found himself trying to figure out how to communicate to Steve that he needed a break but the conversation never quite went the way he wanted it to go. Despite that, Sam found he enjoyed being back home. It was relaxing, comfortable, familiar. Steve seemed comfortable as well, so it led to some comfortably quiet moments together usually doing little more than watching TV or cooking together. Sometimes Sam would read a book with Steve sketching at the other end of the couch. They just spent time together and in those moments, the quiet domestic moments, Sam was shown what they could be. Somehow those moments were never painful for him, they were actually peaceful. Whatever Sam's feelings were, Steve was his friend first.

He woke up one morning and the house was full of the smells of breakfast being cooked. Sam got out of bed and walked downstairs to the kitchen where Steve was moving around with ease like he belonged there while Sam's IPod played 'My Girl' smoothly from the speaker in the background.

"What's all this?" He asked.

"Breakfast. I was up already so I figured why not?" He answered turning around to show he was wearing Sam's Iron Man iron chef apron. Steve had teased him mercilessly and gloated about knowing Iron Man but Sam was fine with not meeting the dude, the apron design caught his attention was all but it looked good on Steve stretched across his chest as it was.

Sam looked away from the tableau and grabbed one of the more generic aprons he owned. He joined Steve in making the omelets and they started on the pancakes together which he was determined to make by scratch. Steve stood mostly silent by Sam's side as he gathered the ingredients for the pancakes. He was pulled a little taut, Sam could feel the ever present tension he exuded but he was also bopping his head to Sam's Motown playlist, this was as good a mood as any to talk to him.

"So, um, I've been doing a lot of thinking this week." Steve tensed up more but when he spoke his voice was steady.

"Yeah, what about?"

"Just our mission and myself and you and a lot of things. I think maybe I should take a break. I've been dealing with some things and talking to my therapist this week has just made me see that I need to fine tune a few of my coping mechanisms."

"Therapist? You've been talking to a therapist?"

"Everything with Bucky and being back in the fight, it's brought back some stuff that I gotta deal with." Steve put down the bowl of batter he was whisking then turned to give Sam his full attention.

"If what we're doing has been weighing on you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you have to see a shrink."

"First off, I know 40's mentality wasn't exactly the most progressive towards mental health and all and you've only been here a few years in this world, I get that, but still you were with SHIELD and you don't know the merits of a therapist?" Steve shrugged.

"Fury made me get an evaluation before he let me into the field but I hadn't really thought much about going further with it even though they offered. I know what PTSD is but that's, that's not me. There are people who have had worse in different ways."

"Don't go comparing traumas. I learned that week one in therapy."

"Therapy you need to go to now because of me... and because of Bucky, right? Is it to do with Riley? Because the similarities aren't lost on me."

Yeah, those ones aren't but Sam can't really blame Steve for being oblivious on the whole Steve/Riley parallel thing because he didn't know the full extent of Sam and Riley's relationship or Sam's feelings for him.

"That brings me to my second point, my needing to go to therapy isn't down on you man. I had issues before I met you, I'd have issues even if we never crossed paths that day on my morning run. Hell, I'd probably still have issues even if I never enlisted. We all got problems, some people's problems are bigger than others, I just happen to have some problems that I need some help learning to manage sometimes and it's good to check in with someone who can help you get your mind back on track."

"Does your therapist think it's best if you take a break?"

"He does and I agree. I'm going to do it either way. I just don't want you to be out there alone. Whether that means running with Natasha or Nick for a while or maybe sticking around and setting yourself up with a therapist-"

"I don't need a therapist, Sam."

"I know it's still probably taboo to you or maybe embarrassing but sometimes it's just good to have someone whose unbiased who you can talk to and get help from and figure out new management strategies with."

"I don't need a therapist, I have you." Sam shook his head lightly.

"But I'm not your therapist Steve, I'm your friend." Sam held back the sigh wishing to push up from the depths of his lungs as Steve's lips tilted into that half heartbroken, half fond smile again. What was that smile? Why did he keep doing that?

"You're right and I bet me burdening you with my issues isn't making your issues any better. You should stay and I'll go."

"Steve-"

"No, no. I need to be out there right now, it's what I need to do. Besides, who am I going to talk to about all of this?" Steve said, waving his hands in the general direction of his body. Sam didn't know what that meant but with time he could hazard a few guesses, all of them annoyingly self-deprecating but this was the man he chose to fall in love with. Sam still stared at Steve with concern as he picked the bowl and whisk back up. Steve sighed after a moment of Sam silently staring at the side of his face.

"I won't go alone, I promise. I'll call Maria tomorrow and try to track down Nick or Natasha." Sam held his gaze on the side of his face to make sure he was telling the truth before he turned away finally.

"Good, I care about you. I don't want to find out that the minute I leave, you start doing crazy shit, or crazier than you already do at least."

"Yeah, I'm a real daredevil."

"Asshole is the better word." Steve chuckled a little, he was still tense but it was a sound Sam quite liked hearing so he didn't mind it. If nothing else the conversation went a lot better than he thought it would.

* * *

The downtime actually did him good. The month he planned to stay home turned to two months as Steve was on some extended mission with someone named Sharon and couldn't be reached. Sam wondered if that was the blonde woman he saw him with but only let himself be mildly jealous when Natasha told him, because if she caught even a whiff of his feelings she'd latch on like an octopus. Instead he occupied his time hanging around the VA and spending time with his friends. His life in DC had probably been a little too easy for him to leave behind before but as much as he liked being back, and appreciated Clarence's free help especially, he also missed having Steve around. He was a little concerned that maybe that was backtracking, missing Steve as much as he did, falling asleep worrying about his safety, randomly feeling pangs of concern through the day but according to Clarence that was normal, that was love. As long as it wasn't interrupting his day to day living or influencing his actions towards himself negatively it wasn't so bad.

Before the mission with Sharon Steve called three times a week, but after Natasha's call Sam hadn't heard from him. He was reassured he'd hear from him in 2-3 weeks. Instead of a phone call after two months of taking a break, Sam turned on the television only to see live footage of the Avengers in some place called Sokovia. Sam rose an eyebrow at some of the graffiti on the dilapidated walls: Iron Man with a dollar sign over it. There was some amateur footage of Steve driving through the city on a motorcycle towards the woods, with Natasha in a jeep alongside a blonde man who Sam figured was Hawkeye if the bow and arrow was any indication. There wasn't much in the way of reporting damage or deaths so Sam figured it wasn't so bad, whatever their mission was. He wasn't surprised when Steve called an hour later.

"Sokovia, huh? What happened to the beautiful town of It's Classified with Agent Sharon no-last-name?"

"Wanted to get the band back together. Listen, Tony's having a little get-together tonight. Thor calls it indulging in revels or whatever. You can be my plus one if you want."

"Aren't you in New York? I probably couldn't find a flight on such sort notice and if I drove or took the train I wouldn't be in a party mood when I got there. The trip would take like 4 hours."

"I figured. You don't need to find a flight, I sent a ride. He should be coming any minute."

"He?" Sam asked, just as he did he heard a loud crash outside, like something had fallen at great speed into his garden. He edged over and peeked out the window before shaking his head in disbelief.

"You sent _Thor_ to fly me to New York for a party?"

"I want you to meet my team. They should know the guy who's been making sure Captain America doesn't die in a warehouse in Bangkok."

"You were really determined that time." He said, just as the armor clad man waved enthusiastically to his elderly neighbor asking her if this was the 'domicile of Sam, son of Will'.

"Apparently Thor thinks bringing me back to your little get together is a sacred mission." Sam relayed as Thor continued his conversation with a bewildered but awe-struck Mrs. Davidson. Steve paused before letting out a forced chuckle.

"Thor's kind of dramatic that way. Anyway, I know it seems like I'm not giving you much of a choice here but if you don't feel up to it I'll tell him to come back." Sam debated it briefly in his head but he knew what his answer was going to be immediately. He missed Steve, he even missed Natasha and he would like to meet Steve's team, just to be sure they were good people. It felt strange, almost arrogant that Sam thought he had a right to vet the Avengers. They were the _Avengers_ , they knew Steve before him but to hell with it.

"You know what? I could stand to get out. Besides, I can visit my sister in Harlem after the party." Sam walked over to his door, opened it and waved at Thor.

"I'll see you soon." Sam said, hanging up and turning his attention to Thor.

"Sam, son of Will. It is an honor to meet you. The Captain has told me much of your prowess in battle, perhaps I will someday be able to fight by your side."

A Norse demigod was honored to meet him and eager to fight as his teammate? What exactly did Steve tell these people?

"Um, should I bow or... I don't usually meet princes so...?"

"In this realm I am not a prince, simply a man picking his fellow warrior's dear friend up."

"Give me a minute so I can get some clothes." Sam gathered clothing to wear to this party in a small bag and went back out to the large blonde man. Sam's place wasn't small but with this man standing in his living room staring around with mild fascination it seemed like the size of a shoe box.

"Um, so how does this work?"

"I will fly you to New York and to Captain Rogers, he will be very happy to see you. He has told me much about you, it is good that he has found someone like you. I did worry for him after the battle in New York. He seemed tired, dazed, much like I was when my father first banished me to this world. It wasn't until I met my Lady Jane that I truly began to feel I belonged. I am glad he has found that too."

"Steve and I aren't... I mean we're just..."

"I know but I also know that you hold a very dear place in his heart. His eyes when he talks about you tells me so." Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times, not sure how to respond to that because what was he _supposed_ to say to that? Steve was his friend, Sam chatted him up to other people too. Of course he had feelings for him so whatever he said was biased and probably slightly embellished but he didn't see Steve doing that. Steve wasn't in love with him. He knew he wasn't, his feelings towards Sam were strictly platonic... right?

"You don't need to say anything. I shall fly you to the Captain posthaste and you will have some time to rest before the gathering. The Captain says you have aerial experience so it shouldn't be too much of a bother for you I hope. You'll just need to hang on tightly."

Flying with Thor by way of magical hammer was a completely different experience to having the wings but Sam wasn't opposed to the head rush he felt or the feeling of Thor's strong arms around him. He loved Steve, sure, but he also wasn't blind.

They landed on the roof of Stark Tower or Avengers Tower, Sam wasn't sure which one it was nowadays, and Sam found himself walking with jelly legs. He hadn't felt this way since his first days of flying. He walked in the general direction of the entrance but found himself about to fall as his knees grew weak. He was caught by strong arms. He knew immediately it wasn't Thor. He looked up at Steve's concerned face.

"You alright?" Sam did not get lost in his face, a face he hadn't seen in two months after spending nearly every day before that for almost two years together. He did not get stuck mesmerizing his blue eyes with it's distinct flecks of green, an imperfection scientifically but Sam loved it all the same. He did not stare at his lips or the way the sun rested gently above his hair like a halo. Sam snapped out of it, pushing himself out of Steve's arms and standing up straight.

"I'm okay, just a little wobbly. It's not everyday you get a random summons to a superhero party and get picked up by a dude flying with the force of a spinning hammer." Steve just smiled at him before leading him forward.

"Nat's with Hawkeye, he took a hit on the mission but you'll see her later. You can rest in my room if you want. I know how fragile you can be."

"Was that a quip? It feels like it was a quip. Considering the dirt I have on you that I can share with your super-friends I'd tread lightly." Sam warned him, zig-zagging his way to the elevator. Steve hovered by his side like he would catch him if he fell. For however confusing their relationship could get in his head, he didn't doubt for a second that he would catch him. Steve led him to a bedroom that was all decked out in red, white and blue. It looked like an overly patriotic unicorn had blown up after a fourth of July firework show. Steve noticed Sam's expression and gave him a deadpan look.

"Tony. He takes the moniker very literally. I hope it doesn't stop you from getting some rest. You have been sleeping well, right? Therapy is helping?"

"Yeah, it has been." Sam answered as he took off his bag and nudged off his shoes. Steve was talking in a peculiar tone, but Sam was still too lightheaded and coming down from the adrenaline of the flight with Thor to care in that moment. He laid down on the bed, it was soft but not so soft that it would bother him while he slept like some of the motel beds had.

"Wake me up in time to shower and put in some effort. I have to look presentable for this party."

"You'll look fine, you always do." Steve didn't speak for a little while and Sam thought he was gone but then he spoke again.

"I'm really glad you're here. I missed you." Sam rolled over and looked at Steve. He was staring at him with complete sincerity and openness. Sam did his best not to read into that. There was nothing to read into anyway, despite Thor's miscommunication, he and Steve were just friends. Maybe that was okay, maybe that was for the best for both of them. He could be okay with just being his friend.

"I missed you too."

He could manage this.

* * *

After the party, which Sam had left early so he could spend the night at Sarah's place, a lot had happened in quick succession. Stark's pet project went all Terminator, he got his new wings, he met the other new Avengers _and_ ended up packing his life up for his second departure from DC, permanent this time. In all of that, Sam didn't have a whole lot of free time to spend one on one with Steve. He got acquainted with Wanda, Vision and Colonel Rhodes. He caught up a little bit with Natasha but Steve was busy setting things up for the new team, and Sam was acclimating to his new position as one of Earth's Mightiest Defenders.

Eventually he found himself going to the kitchen late one night as he found he couldn't quite sleep in his bed. It was much softer than his mattress at his place in DC and even in Steve's room at the Tower. When he entered the kitchen, Steve was there already sitting at the table with a mug in front of him and a dim light shining above the stove to illuminate the room enough that Sam, with his regular human eyes, could navigate.

"Hey." Steve looked up and gave him a slight smile.

"Hey, couldn't sleep?"

"I need a new mattress, I'm going to go to the store some time this week. You?" Sam asked, sitting down across from him.

"My mind wouldn't stop going, didn't bother wasting my time."

"Penny for 'em?"

"I don't want to dump anything on you. You're not my therapist." Sam rolled his eyes.

"You remember the tail end of that sentence? I'm your friend. That doesn't mean you can't talk to me at all, it just means I don't have all the answers for you. I'm still here for you." Steve sighed and shook his head.

"I'm just struggling with my decisions. I can't keep running around after Bucky, he's not my only responsibility. I have the Avengers and the world needs us. I guess it's just that ever since I've been back I haven't really thought of present time as home. Home wasn't the best in the world but it was _home_ and other than Peggy, Bucky's the last piece of that. But I also know that I'm not going to find him unless he wants me to, and he doesn't, so I won't. Not looking for him though? It feels like giving up even though logically I know it isn't." Sam nods his head in understanding.

"Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. They won't always sit well with us but we can only do what we think is best, it's _all_ we can do. When the time is right you and Bucky will be together again, I believe that, but for now you can focus on whipping this team into shape. We kind of have a lot to live up to, you know, what with not having a hulk and a Norse prince on the team anymore. A lot of people might side-eye us. 'Whose this dude in the wings?' They'll say. 'I mean, he looks awesome and regal, majestic and beautiful, noble and heroic but he's not Iron Man.' I swear to God, I'm making it my mission to have more paraphernalia for sale than Hawkeye does. The dude has an inordinate amount of diverse merchandise. Why would a parent want to buy their kids a bow and arrow anyway? I want little children running around in Falcon costumes for Halloween. Make it happen, Steve." Steve chuckled at a controlled volume, trying his best to not disturb anyone else in the compound.

"I actually don't handle the whole merchandising part of things, just the heavy lifting."

"Very punny." Steve shrugged before he rested his chin on his hand so half of his mouth was covered. It didn't hide the grin on his mouth as he stared at Sam with eyes full of mirth. Sam felt his heart stutter in his chest. What the hell was that look about?

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just glad I met you. If this is going to be home then you're a part of that for me." Sam opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out.

"Oh, and this is probably as a good time to tell you as any, I'm seeing a therapist." Sam rose an eyebrow.

"When did that happen?"

"Well Tony made the resources available to us, mostly for Wanda's sake to help her adjust after her brother and everything that's happened to her. Vision has a counselor to help him find a medium between everything downloaded in his head and functioning in the real world. Natasha convinced me that I should really consider seeing someone, so I have been for a few weeks now. It's going well I think. I probably wouldn't have been able to tell you anything about how I feel about Bucky and the team before it, so I'm pretty confident it's helping. I feel like I should thank you. I didn't really understand how much I needed it when you suggested it, and now I know you were just trying to help me like you have been for the past two years and then some, so thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. I'm just glad you're getting help. I'm glad you have someone." Steve nodded, his face softer. Sam noted that while there was still an aura of tension around him it was considerably lighter than Sam had witnessed in some time.

"If you're not going to sleep we can catch up on some Netflix. They're good about telling you what you should watch." Sam did not let the dirty images pop into his head as Steve basically asked him to Netflix and chill, especially this late at night.

"Um, yeah, I'd love to hang out with you. We haven't gotten to just be us in a while."

"Three months is too long." Steve declared standing up and waiting for Sam to get up as well before they walked side by side to his room, Sam did his best to ignore the heat that Steve provided standing at his side.

* * *

Sam was confused and he thought he had a right to be because Steve was acting strange lately. He was going to therapy and it seemed to be helping him because he was looser and smiled easier now, he wasn't magically fixed but Sam could tell there was a burden off of him. They had started spending more time together again, the team did a lot of team bonding stuff but Steve would also pull Sam aside to spend time with him one on one. They would go out, just the two of them, to the movies or to a restaurant or shopping or just to hang out. They would spend time in Steve's room and it was like being back at Sam's apartment where they could sit in companionable silence on the couch absorbed in their own things but still comfortable in each other's presence. Sam would catch Steve looking at him sometimes when he thought he wasn't looking and he would smile at him without saying anything sometimes. Sam didn't know what the hell his deal was. It was like he wanted to tell Sam something but wouldn't say anything. Sam couldn't figure out what it was. He had even asked Natasha, and really that was the last thing he wanted to do, but he also didn't want to keep sitting in the dark about whatever was making Steve seemingly do a 180.

"You really have to ask me?" Natasha asked as Sam stood in her bedroom.

"Look, I just want to know why he's been acting so weird lately. He's been happier, which isn't a bad thing at all, but it's hard to believe that it's just all down to a few months of therapy." Natasha rose an eyebrow, eyeing him in disbelief.

"It isn't just the therapy. It's what the therapy symbolizes. Therapy means he's getting better, it means he's accepting his life here and if he's doing that then that means he's just one step closer to being with you." It was Sam's turn to lift a disbelieving eyebrow at her.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're telling me you don't see his sappy eyes glaring at you, his lovesick grin in your direction? Even before that, you didn't notice his little heartbroken smile every time you refer to the two of you as just "friends"?"

"Because we are just friends and you don't know what you're talking about. Weren't you pushing him to be with Agent Sharon no-last-name? He was on a month long mission with her. I'm pretty sure I saw them flirting outside my house once."

"So? Sharon's a hot-blooded woman with eyes. Anyone can look at Steve and feel something, I'm sure even Vision has felt something looking at him, Steve is a very attractive man but he's in love with you and I know you're in love with him. He thinks once he's finished with his weekly therapy and switches to biweekly sessions that it'll mean that he's ready to tell you how he feels." Sam shook his head, not believing her words.

Natasha notoriously bent the truth and over-exaggerated so people would draw conclusions without her telling them something. Even though she blatantly told him Steve said he loved him, somehow Sam couldn't make himself believe that it was that easy. He had been in love with Steve for two years now. Two years worth of traveling the world together, fighting together, growing together, learning from each other, leaning on each other, supporting each other. Two years of Sam pining and tending his unrequited love. He had been loving Steve for so long it had become comfortable, like a shirt he wore that got ragged and dirty but would always have a permanent place in his drawer. It was something that he could wash and keep wearing, and even if it got moth bitten and stains started setting in he still didn't throw it away because it held too many memories. That was his love for Steve, a little worn, not something that was shiny or new, but something that was still important to the fabric of who he was. The fact that Steve didn't love him back did play a big part in that.

Maybe that was down to Sam though. Clarence told him he didn't allow himself happiness very often and it was true, he didn't. He didn't allow himself to believe that Leila or Riley or Steve could love him back. Leila had loved him and by the time he admitted it to her, she had moved on with her love. Riley had loved him and by the time either of them said anything it was too late and Riley was gone. If Steve did love him then...

Well then what? Could they be together? Could they be happy? They were already together all the time, Sam knew they could be together and be happy but for some reason there was a knot of fear in his chest as he thought about being with Steve romantically. He walked out of Natasha's room without saying anything more to her and he didn't say anything to Steve. Steve eventually moved from weekly therapy to biweekly therapy and nothing in their relationship changed. Natasha must have been mistaken then. Steve didn't love him, which was fine, it just put Sam back in the position he was in before.

There was no time for anything else anyway because Lagos happened and the Accords were a thing and then Barnes was back and things kinda just snowballed from there. Honestly Sam was conflicted because he saw both Steve and Tony's sides of thing but he has also just spent going on two years taking down HYDRA who had infiltrated not only SHIELD, but multiple branches of governments all over the world, so the safest hands really were still their own.

Bucky being back was a little more complicated.

Agent Sharon no-last-name turning out to be Agent Sharon Carter, Peggy Carter's niece, who Steve kissed was more complicated and a mess. Sam was snippy towards Bucky and he was short with Steve even if he was happy to have his wings back in his possession. He appreciated the risk Sharon was taking to bring them their tech but he also couldn't not replay the kiss over and over again. She was Peggy's niece, for pete's sake. That was certainly one way to keep it in the family Sam supposed. If Steve was so determined to be Steven Grant Carter he should've just married Peggy before she died. What the hell did he and Sharon even talk about together besides Peggy and work?

 _No. Stop. That's your jealousy talking. Whatever Steve chooses to do with his love life is his choice, nothing to do with you. So what if he's dating Peggy's niece? She's not just Peggy's niece, she's a trained agent and she wasn't HYDRA, she kept him safe during the month long mission, she's putting her job on the line to help us out. She's good people. Don't let your jealousy cloud your judgement_. Sam thought to himself.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on his arm. He knew they were going to have to fight Bucky's fellow Winter Soldier buddies and to do that they were going to need a good team for it. Hawkeye was taking care to get Wanda and Sam directed him on where to find Scott Lang but they were still hours away from meeting up. Sam tried to drown out Steve and Bucky's voices because he didn't want to hear about what they used to do in Brooklyn, and he didn't want to think about Steve kissing Sharon, and he didn't want to start musing about Rhodey and Natasha being on the other side of things if things do get physical, and he didn't want to think about the fact that he was now a fugitive and his family would find out about this through the news and not from him.

He wouldn't make it to the next family reunion because he was a fugitive.

He wouldn't be there at his nephew's birthday party because he was a fugitive.

He wasn't going to make it to his cousin's wedding because he was a fugitive.

He wouldn't be able to make the trip to see his sister's newborn baby because he was a fugitive and for what exactly?

He agreed with Steve, he really did, he was the first one to go against the Accords before even Steve did, but agreeing with him and running away with him were two different things. He was loyal to him but he was also human and he was struggling to see what good outcome would come from their next course of action.

"Sam?" Steve asked, cutting through his thoughts as he laid a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine." Barnes noted. Sam let out a sigh of irritation.

"Yeah, didn't ask you but thanks."

"Sam." Steve said admonishingly. Sam leaned his head against the window and the car was silent for all of two minutes before Sam sighed again.

"You know what, can you pull over?" Sam said, trying to keep the tension out of his voice. Steve seemed hesitant but then Barnes spoke up.

"Yeah, I need to use the bathroom and stretch my legs." Steve sighed at apparently being outvoted but agreed to stop at the next gas station.

Sam didn't say anything as they eventually came upon a station and Barnes scrabbled his way out through Steve's side, because Sam wasn't moving an inch. The ex-assassin disappeared and Sam didn't look in the direction he went off in, instead he stared out of his window at the mundane sight of the bank of air pumps and the car vacuum on the other side of the station as he tried his best to relax. Maybe if he came down enough he could catch a power nap but instead he found his eyes snapping open as Steve rested a hand on his knee. Sam quirked an eyebrow inquiringly.

"Do you want to talk?" Steve asked.

"About what?"

"You've been tense this whole time."

"Yeah well we're currently on the run, forgive me if I'm a little on edge."

"If you're regretting choosing my side in this then I won't be upset if you want to go back. I'll call Sharon, she'll make sure you get back safely and that General Ross won't do anything to hurt you." Sam couldn't quite stop the laugh that escaped him upon the conclusion Steve drew for his mood.

"That's not what..." Sam trailed off with a sigh.

"I don't regret choosing your side. I knew the Accords were a problem the second they proposed it. I mean coming from the guy whose been trying to turn Banner into a weapon for years? Hell no I'm not going to just sign it, but... but the thing is..." Sam trailed off not sure how he could phrase this.

"Sam, come on, talk to me." Steve implored, squeezing his knee lightly.

"The problem is... we're friends Steve, and I... why do you keep doing that?" Sam asked, cutting himself off at Steve's half heartbroken, half fond expression.

"Doing what?"

"Every time I say that we're friends, you get this look on your face."

"I don't get a look on my face."

"Yes you do."

"I don't-"

"You do. Without fail, and you know what? It's not fair. It's not fair that you do that. I'm confused enough without you adding to it."

"Sam, what are you talking about it?"

"It was easy before, you know. It was straight forward: I was in love with you and you weren't in love with me, it was that simple. Maybe not ideal for me but I'm a big boy, I can handle myself just fine. But not when you're apparently chatting me up to Thor and telling Natasha you want to be with me and giving me that look every time I say we're friends and _then_ turning around and kissing Sharon. How is that fair?" Steve looked stricken as he stared at Sam but Sam felt all the things he had not said to him and all the tension accumulating since the Accords and even before that, since Russia, well up in his throat with no way out but to be spoken from his mouth.

"You want to know why I'm pissed off right now? I'm pissed because we're fugitives. We're running around with your mind-fucked best friend who has a kill order on his head away from our friends and an enhanced king with a cat fetish, and even with all that shit to deal with, all I can think about is... is the fact that you kissed Sharon." Steve stared at him silently for a long while and Sam almost didn't expect him to say anything but then he said in a quiet, heavy voice.

"You _were_ in love with me or you _are_ in love with me?" Sam rubbed his hands over his face, trying to figure out his thoughts.

"You know, Riley was... he was everything to me. I loved him but I never told him and he only told me before he died but when I was with him I let my feelings for him completely take over every decision I made. I wasn't living for me, I was living for him and that wasn't good enough, definitely not when I got back home and had to deal with everything that happened in the war by myself. I promised myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, if I fell for someone I wasn't going to be selfless to the point of self-harm. Then I fell for you. I figured it out after Russia but I probably fell before that, I don't know, I just tried to ignore it."

"Why?"

"Because I know myself and I know you. You were a mess and I had already dropped my whole life to chase after a guy that tried to kill me with you. I couldn't judge whether the things I was doing with you was because I was in love with you or because I felt it was right and wanted to do it."

"Sam, you're a hero. You've always felt the call to fight, you've always rose to the occasion and defended people and I... I admire you for that and I..." Steve looked away and rested his head against the steering wheel.

"You don't have to say anything, you don't have to tell me you love me. If anything these Accords have served to tell me that my decisions are my own, it's not because I love you. The anger though, and the jealousy, that's a different story. But that's on me. I'm the one who fell so I'll just have to deal with it." Steve looked over at him, his eyes full of sadness and Sam held his gaze. He wasn't sure what he looked like but he was sure there was a storm roiling in his eyes. The moment was broken as Bucky knocked on Steve's window so he could get back into the car. Steve looked away from him slowly and Sam's gaze gravitated back towards the window.

"You okay?" Bucky asked as Steve stepped out of the VW.

"I'm fine." Steve didn't sound it, Sam probably wouldn't sound much better but Bucky didn't say anything else and the car remained tensely silent for the rest of the drive to the airport to meet Clint.

* * *

Sam suited up along with everyone else as soon as they could, knowing that they were on a schedule and that Tony and the others were looking for them. It was doubtful that they'd get them to see their side of things so they had to be ready for a fight. Sam tried not to be apprehensive about that but these were his friends he was getting ready to trade blows with. He was close with Natasha and Rhodey and even if he wasn't as close to Tony or Vision, he didn't want them hurt either but they had work to do. The whole Avenging thing was never easy but they couldn't just stop and they couldn't allow their freewill to be taken away from them. If this decision was up to the government, they'd probably want Bucky's buddies to be brought in and used for testing and/or turned into weapons. They couldn't allow that.

Everyone easily followed Cap's orders and were already moving into position. Sam came out of the parking garage, his googles perched on his head and his guns secured while he focused on adjusting his wing pack. He pulled on the straps, timing in his head how long it would take to get to his designated position inside with Bucky when suddenly hands brushed his away.

"Let me." Steve said. Sam dropped his hands and let Steve adjust all the straps and tacks the way he knew it was supposed to be to make sure Sam was secured safely and that the wings were at it's most effective. Steve silently worked on him before stepping around to stand in front of Sam. Steve stared at him for a moment then reached up and fiddled with the comms device in his ear, he then reached over and messed with Sam's. He could still hear Clint and Scott bantering in his ears and he looked to Steve with some confusion.

"They can't hear us." Sam nodded in understanding, then stared at him inquiringly.

"I want to say this to you before we got out there and fight."

"Steve, nothing bad is going to happen. They might be on the other side but they're still our friends. We'll come out of this bruised but no one is dying."

"I know that but I still need to say this. I'm... I'm afraid and not about this." He said, gesturing to the air field beyond the underpass.

"I'm afraid of this." He continued, gesturing to himself and Sam.

"Steve-"

"No, you deserve answers so I'm giving them to you. I did tell Natasha that when I got further along in my therapy I would tell you how I feel and I was ready to do that. I was happy and I wanted to be happy with you but then I just got... I got scared. I started thinking of how it was with Peggy and how I reached a point where I was ready to stop being afraid and see if we could be happy together and then Bucky was gone. After that, again, I felt hope that after the war she and I could be together and then _I_ was gone. Years and years later it was too late. I didn't think I would feel that way again but then I met you and I did, it felt just as strong as with her if not more so and that scared the crap out me Sam, because I knew it was real." Sam felt like some of the breath was knocked out of him as he studied Steve's watery eyes through his cowl but he stayed silent and let Steve continue.

"But then I started thinking: this job that we do is so... and what if something happened to you? What if something happened to me? What if we just don't work out together? Would I be okay with not having you in my life anymore, even if I just have you as my friend? Would I be alright with the possibility that I could hurt you or someone else could hurt you to get to me? I didn't have answers to those questions and I didn't think I could handle it if we didn't work or the world wouldn't let us work, so I pushed it away and I kissed Sharon and I'm sorry for that because that was so _selfish_. I was using Sharon and disrespecting Peggy and I ended up hurting you anyway and I'm sorry. For all the rousing speeches and bravado, I don't do this... I don't do relationships very well." Steve took a deep breath and shook his head before meeting Sam's eyes again.

"Basically, all of this is a very long way of saying, I love you. I'm in love with you. I don't know what that means to you now, if it even means anything after everything I've put you through. I just wanted you to know that before this goes down." Sam stared at Steve feeling both happiness and understanding yet still some anger mixed with pain rolled up all together in his chest. Before he could say anything Barnes' voice was in his ear.

"Wilson, I'm in position. Where are you?" Sam turned his comms back on, his eyes still locked with Steve's.

"I'm on my way." Sam took a step back and made to leave but paused. He didn't want to leave this conversation like this. He was still upset but he also knew his feelings for Steve wasn't going to just disappear. When they got past the other Avengers, they still had to fight five more super-soldiers and multiple governments of the world. Sam didn't see a whole lot of time left to just do this and the opportunity was right in front of him now. Instead of stepping back again, he stepped forward. He raised a hand to Steve's cheek, his fingerless gloves allowing them skin to skin contact. Steve's eyes were wide and hopeful. Without preamble, Sam leaned forward and pressed their lips softly together. He kept the kiss light. Though they had kissed before, this felt different. The last one was all desperation and extra baggage, it was tinged with sorrow from Steve's grief and masochism from Sam's too selfless actions but this kiss was sweeter while also feeling heavier in the fact that they both knew how the other felt now, and though the logistics of it all wasn't hammered out, they were at least on the same page even if not on the same paragraph. Sam pulled back and lingered in Steve's space a moment before walking back.

"Don't let Iron Man kick your ass too much, alright?" Steve cracked a smile at Sam's quip.

"Oh that won't be a problem, you should be more worried about your idol than about me." Sam rolled his eyes and turned around, striding away.

"He's not my idol."

"Tell that to the apron!" Steve called after him. Sam shook his head but felt a smile lifting one corner of his lips. For the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful about he and Steve's relationship being more than he allowed with Leila and Riley.

* * *

Jail wasn't fun.

Jail was never fun.

Sam had only been arrested twice in his life. Once when he was 16, following his father's death and his falling in with some less than savory characters, he had broken into someone's house and attempted to rob the place. The police let him off with a slap on the wrist since he didn't actually take anything and his mother and Leila had spent a week after lecturing him. The second time was after he came back from the war. He had an episode while driving and the officer thought he was drunk, so they took him in. Clarence had to come and explain his situation to get him out. Still both incidents hadn't led to much more than a few hours behind bars. However, sitting in his cell in The Raft was a test of patience and strength.

He didn't know whether or not he did the right thing telling Tony where Steve was because Stark hadn't been back to visit but there was also no rumblings about Steve or Bucky being hurt or arrested. He didn't know what was going on with Rhodey because none of the guards would tell him anything. He was hyperaware of who he was compared to his fellow inmates and he wasn't about to provoke any of the dudes with a badge and end up in the ground, he didn't want to imagine his mother's reaction to that. He also was hyperaware of who Wanda was compared to him, Clint and Scott. He saw a couple of the guards eyeing her so he did his best to engage her in conversation to ease her mind. The walls between the cells had small slots so he could look through the hole and observe her. She was dull and barely moved thanks to the collar zapping her power but she spoke to Sam when he spoke to her and she was content to listen to Clint telling her stories about Laura and his kids.

At night when Sam could do nothing more than lay on his cot and stare at the ceiling he thought about Steve. He thought about how maybe he and Bucky completed the mission, maybe Tony helped, maybe T'Challa figured out that Bucky didn't kill his father and he helped too. Maybe they were with Natasha and Vision and they were trying to figure out a way to get them out of this place. Maybe after that they would come up with a way to make sure Rhodey didn't suffer permanent effects from his injuries.

On the flipside though, maybe Tony called Ross and their guys arrested Steve and Bucky. Maybe they killed Bucky or T'Challa did, maybe Steve's someplace far worst and far more oppressive than The Raft. Maybe the Winter Soldiers won't be stopped and they'll destroy the world the Avengers had spent the last four years trying to protect. Sam thought about everyone he cared about dying a horrible death. His mother, his pregnant sister, his brother and his sister-in-law, his nephew, his cousins, the Avengers, Bucky, Steve. All the while he was stuck here.

Sam stood up and started pacing around his cell, pushing away the way his body wished to just pass out.

"Can't sleep?" Wanda asked from her cell. Sam glanced at her through the slot between their cells and shook his head.

"Not really." He said for good measure in case she didn't see.

"Neither can I. Nightmares. It is nothing new, though. After Pietro died I had them nearly every night but Natasha would come sometimes to help me. She would hold me at night and rock me back to sleep." Wanda admitted quietly.

"After New York when I got home I had nightmares. Loki made me do a lot of fucked up things and I was just... you know. The nightmares made me exhausted during the day and Laura gave me my space. Cooper was kind of afraid of me, my own son, afraid of me which was... but, anyway, Lila wasn't. No, not her. She wasn't afraid for a second. She started making me go to her room at night and she'd read me one of her bedtime stories and I would fall asleep in her room. Wouldn't have nightmares then." Clint reminisced quietly. Sam could hear the sadness tinging his voice with a hint of hopelessness. He didn't think he was getting out of here.

"After the first time I got out of jail I would have nightmares. Nothing ever happened to me but you see things in places like that. If I ever woke up screaming at night, my daughter Cassie would tell me she was the one having a nightmare, that she needed me to keep her safe. Really she was the one helping me and now I'm here and I might never see her again. Not that I'm blaming anyone, it's my fault. I chose to run off to join a fight that's not mine. I just have so much to make up for and I figured fighting alongside the Avengers was definitely something Cassie could be proud of me for." Scott said, his voice holding the same sad realization.

"I'm sure she is. She sounds like a great kid."

"She is. Maybe our daughters could hang out one day when we get out of here. _If_ we get of here."

"We are getting out of here." Sam said firmly.

"How's that, Wilson?" Clint asked in a lackluster tone.

"Steve is still out there. He isn't going to just leave us here, we're his team, we're his friends, we're his family. We need to have faith in him." The others were silent and Sam could feel the doubt coming off of them in waves.

"Although, sorry I can't speak for you, tic-tac. You did molest him in a parking garage, maybe he'll leave you here." Sam smiled with some accomplishment as the others laughed quietly.

"I can't believe I fondled Captain America."

"Neither can I. Especially in front of his boyfriend." Clint said, his voice going from sad to playful.

"Boyfriend?"

"Yup, right Wilson?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam asked a little nervously.

"Please, I knew he was in love with you before I even met you. I mean, Nat told me he had it bad but then he started telling us about you before the party and the whole Ultron debacle and it was so obvious. It's been a year since then and you're going to tell me you two haven't boned yet." Sam opened and closed his mouth because yes they had sex but also it was complicated. Clint laughed with delight and Sam rolled his eyes as Scott mumbled about Captain America being gay under his breath.

"He's bisexual, not that his love life or mine is any of you guys' business."

"Maybe not but I am happy you two kissed finally. Steve has been thinking about it nonstop for months now, it was so loud I could not block it out. It felt like someone was constantly pushing pornography in my face. His daydreams are quite vivid." Wanda said, her weak voice lilting with humor and amusement. Her comment got both Clint and Scott laughing.

"I don't spy on what you and Vision do in your room, I'd appreciate some privacy." Sam said. Wanda gave him a glare as Clint abruptly stopped laughing.

"What is Vision doing in your room?"

"Oh please, don't start."

"Uh, you are not allowed boys in your room until you're 21, young lady."

"Wait, how old are you?" Scott asked the brunette.

"I'm nearly 20."

"….so you're 19."

"19, and not allowed boys in your room." Clint reiterated and Sam sat back, satisfied the spotlight was off of him.

"Wait, are you her father?"

"No, but he acts enough like it." Wanda said.

"I have enough gray hairs thanks to you to earn acting like it. I swear when we get out of here I'm having Laura lock you up in your room at the farm, as soon as Sam's boyfriend gets up off of his ass and rescues us." Sam was happy that the "if" in that sentence turned to "when" so he allowed the quip.

It got a little harder to keep faith in the next three days but Sam did his best to keep everyone's spirits up and when he couldn't anymore Scott or Clint took over.

It was during one of their quiet moments that he heard footsteps approaching behind him. He figured it might be one of the guards but usually they'd have turned on the lights and started railing on them already. Maybe it was Stark or one of the other Avengers or maybe even Steve. Sam glanced over his shoulders as a figure moved in the dark part of the cell and slowly walked into the light. He felt his mouth split into a grin as Steve stared directly at him, a playful smirk on his face.

"Didn't leave you hanging too long, did I?" He asked.

"You definitely took your time but I'll forgive you as soon as we're all out of this place." Steve nodded before he pulled out a couple of black devices. He placed them over all four cells and after a moment a crackling sound whispered through the air and the bars in the cell retracted all at once. Sam couldn't quite contain himself and ended up running towards Steve and pulling him into a hug. He hadn't let himself fall into despair but the thought that the kiss at the airport could've been the last contact they ever had began knocking around his head and he didn't care that his body was aching and bruised, he hugged Steve tighter.

"Love that you guys get to reunite and all but we're kinda in a time crunch right now, so save it for later." Clint said. Sam squeezed Steve one last time before pulling back. Steve looked around to make sure he wasn't missing anyone or anything and once he was sure Clint had Wanda secured in his arms he grabbed Sam's hand and began pulling him along behind him to freedom. Sam felt his heart lurch slightly but he just squeezed Steve's hand and held on to the fact that soon they would be away from this place and they would be someplace safer than this, and he would be with Steve.

* * *

Wakanda was a very beautiful country. Sam looked over the balcony in his room where he could see the giant panther statue despite part of it being shrouded in fog and trees. He couldn't quite believe that he was standing in the most technologically advanced nation in the world on the balcony of the King's palace but it certainly showed in the view. It definitely trumped anything he had seen during his and Steve's worldwide road trip. He was observing two of T'Challa's Dora Milaje, Ayo and Nareema, sparring in the courtyard below his balcony when a knock came on the door.

"Come in." Sam said, turning his head slightly to see Steve walk into the room. Steve smiled at him as he entered the room and joined Sam by the balcony.

"Hey."

"Hey, you alright?" Sam asked. Steve gave him a look at that.

"I should be asking you that. You've been through the ringer these last few weeks, all on account of my stubbornness."

"Not that you aren't a mule when you want to be, but what I went through was all on account of my own decision. A decision I still stand by."

"So you wouldn't do things differently?"

"Of course I would. I would do a lot of things differently. Maybe I would've found some way to compromise on the Accords before it came to blows. Maybe I'd have not moved when Vision shot at me, Rhodey wouldn't be paralyzed now."

"But you would be dead. I know it's selfish and I shouldn't say it but I'm still going to, I'm glad it wasn't you that got hit. If I lost you after everything..." Steve trailed off, his sentence hanging in the air with an aura of sadness.

"Everything's different now, isn't it?" Sam asked rhetorically.

"Maybe it is. Some of it not for the better, sure, but not all of it." Sam turned to look at him questioningly.

"We're here together." Sam bit back a smile and put on as serious a face as he could.

"I'm not sure I want to make it that easy for you. You did kiss your ex-girl's niece just to run away from a relationship with me. Maybe I want to make you work for it." Steve knew him well enough to know that he was joking. Sam could see the corner of his mouth twitch before he also put on a mask of seriousness.

"Is that so? And how exactly can I do that?"

"Well, for starters, I'm going to need a massage, like 10 massages actually. Probably some grapes and maybe I can find a banana fan somewhere. I am not opposed to you treating me like a pharaoh for as long as T'Challa lets us stay here before kicking us out."

"Mmm, I think I can do that."

"With a wingspan like yours, you better be able to carry me around in a futon. T'Challa probably has a colony of cats living around this palace someplace, I'm going to steal a couple of them to add to the finer details of this fantasy. According to Wanda, you have very vivid daydreams." Steve turned a little red and looked down but Sam lifted his head to meet his eyes.

"We've got time to explore them and everything about us, if you still want to." Steve gave him a look.

"Are you serious? Of course I still want to." Sam smiled at him before letting Steve pull him into a kiss. Things weren't perfect, they weren't ever perfect and would never be but having Steve with him, having him like this, was more than he ever allowed himself to hope for and if his world was going to turn upside down, at least he wasn't the only one falling.


End file.
